Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
