I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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