I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
