I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
