I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
