She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
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It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
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I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize