If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
