just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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