I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
