i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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