I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Randomize
