this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
