evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
