Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
