mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
