I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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