it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
