got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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