Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
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