Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
and she was petting her beer can
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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