Even water is tasting like jack daniels
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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