Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
