I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
