I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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