I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
