happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
