I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
