Your tits are I can't wait for
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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