I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
