There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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