Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.