you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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