dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
he thought i was a dude.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
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The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
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Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
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