i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I didn't notice because vodka
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
