i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
We named our party play list daddy issues
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
