Sorry, I don't speak sober.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
