I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
