I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
