Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
