he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I love you. Go after that dick
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
