I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
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But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
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I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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