so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
