they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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