And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
