I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
