i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
