Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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