I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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