ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
