Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
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But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
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I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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