hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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