My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
