I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
