At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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