trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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