and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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