just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
