Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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