Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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