Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
